Vanity of Vanities…

So that was Vienna.  Now I’m coming back from Berlin.  Well, to be honest, I wrote that last bit also on the train back from Berlin.  Same train.  Different blogs.  I know you can handle it.

Between Vienna and Berlin a fellow opera singer came and stayed with me for a night.  She had a successful audition in Munich!  Yea Julia!  And we went to the Hofbraukeller – the place with the older generation that likes to dance….It was a lot of fun.    We also dessert binged!

I left for Berlin Monday morning and arrived in a wet and cold city.  I stayed with Nicole – the woman I went to university with.  Remember that from my first Berlin trip?  She is so cool – I know I said it before, I really like the woman she has grown into.  Anyway – my train was very very late – almost an hour!  Which is very strange for trains in Germany, but we encountered a bunch of storms.  We talked a little, I Skyped a little, and then went to bed.

My audition the next day was with an agent that I had only heard negative things about.  I really had considered canceling – I didn’t hear one positive word about this guy.  Not to mention I’ve been a bit blue and unmotivated…BUT.  “suck it up princess” came to mind, and I am here to audition, so audition I will.

I’m so glad I went!

No, I don’t have an agent (I am hearing/learning getting an agent is harder than getting a house to take you!), but he paid me the nicest compliment I have gotten since I got here.  He told me “I didn’t want to like your Dalila – it’s so over done.  But you surprised me.  I liked it very much, there were some very beautiful moments”  He went on to say that he thought my middle voice was not quite developed enough and asked me to come sing for him again in 6 months – he thinks we could have a partnership.  He specifically liked my sotto-voce moments.  I think my middle voice has taken a beating because of the weight loss…

How much have I lost?  Well – in poundage it doesn’t seem like much, but I think that is because I am gaining muscle mass.  Clothing sizes will better convey…When I left the US was a 26/28.  Today I am wearing my “skinny jeans” that I hadn’t been able to zip in several years (Melissa sent them to me), and I don’t have to unbutton them to easily take them off – I need a belt!  I think if I were to buy pants that fit me correctly I would be an 18/20.  I’m going to have to buy new pants soon.  The ones I originally brought with me are positively tents around my waist and legs.  Who knew that clothes that are too big could be that uncomfortable?  I always thought the bigger the better, but they get in the way.

Here are two pics – one is before I left, the other is a vanity pic I took before my audition in Berlin – to give you an idea of the size differential:

here is a pic from just before the trip. PLEASE ignore my face. I was mugging. Obviously.

fuzzy focus because I couldn't use flash...

And here is a pic of my hair and make-up – I am getting SO much better at doing them!  And at taking my own pic at arm’s length!  But first a pic from last March for comparison – with professional make-up and all the “right angles” to make me look as thin as possible!

and the slightly smaller me…without fun tricky angles….

Interestingly (to me, at least) – the pics don’t show the difference I feel in my clothes…

After my audition Nicole and I went out to dinner at a lovely Lebanese “bistro” – they had techno/dancebeat/Middle Eastern music playing, it was tiny (maybe 5 tables?) and WONDERFUL.  It was exactly what I wanted – something I can’t find where I live.  I overate – which is rare for me now.  And I discovered I didn’t like that overly full feeling!  In the US that feeling is the feeling of “full”, here it is the feeling of “UGH”.  I hope that sticks with me!  So what did I eat?  Schawarma (a mixture of roasted meats), fried potatoes, a salad with a wonderful sweet and sour sesame dressing, hummus, and fresh bread.  Yum!

More chatting, more sleeping, and then I met Julia (who lives in Berlin) for coffee and then I’m on the train!  I return to Berlin for another audition with another agent in just a few days – Sunday.  This time, I’m bound and determined to sight see!  So I’m going to stay an extra day instead of trying to come a day earlier (which doesn’t seem to be working).

So that’s about it. I’m back on the grid – sorry I’ve been off-grid for a little bit…I’ve been discouraged.  I guess that’s human.  And I just need to keep reminding myself that this process is not outcome based.  That’s hard to keep in perspective.  I want a job.  I want a job in music.  I want a job singing.  But maybe I’m not here to get that right away. I’m certainly learning a TON.

I know something I forgot to say!  In Vienna, remember the accompanist started before I was ready, and I realized in retrospect that I should have stopped him?  This accompanist did the same thing, and I stopped him.  I’m so glad I did.  It wouldn’t have been the same audition if I had kept going.  It put me in control.  I learned; I assimilated what I learned.  I’m learning better and better how to encapsulate and communicate what I need to in the brief time I see someone.  There is no time to “chat each other up”, but the contact is important.  Make my presence and my personality known – not just my voice.  I know it’s a package deal, but I’m gaining a clearer understanding of that.

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Another thing occurs to me as I prepare to pack my computer in.  Many of you have commented that you think I am a natural writer…did you know that I hate writing?  I almost failed out of high school because I didn’t write.  I’ve never been able to keep a journal.  I wrote a poem in elementary school once that won an award.  I plagiarized it. College?  Those writing intensive courses?  Hell for me.  So many tears and gnashing of teeth (no matter how loving and forgiving the teacher was!)  So I hate writing.

Yet once I sit at the keyboard and begin to type, it just comes.  I can’t stop.  I’m verbose in person, too.  I suppose I write as I talk.  I’m sure later in life I will look back and appreciate knowing the minutiae…but I am surprised that it entertains others.   I’m glad you are enjoying it! If you aren’t enjoying it, why are you here???

Love you all!

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