Back to the keyboard

I am feeling the need to blog again – so much happens in life! So very very much!

Rolf, Claudia, Marian, Bürbel, Wanda, Dorit, Dorothea, Peter, Dagmar, Constance, Ingrid, meine Freunden – ich bitte seine Verzeihung!

I’m not going to commit to catch up – I’ll never get to current if I do – so for now I will content myself to talk about what’s going on right *now*.

I sang.

No big deal – eh? It’s “what I do”. But it hasn’t been. Singing has given me great fits of anxiety for many months. I sang the Verdi Requiem in April, and pulled myself together for that, but since then you couldn’t pay me to sing. Ok, well, you *could* have, and in fact, I was (Mozart Requiem in August), but practice for practice sake? Forget it. The mere idea of it pushed me into anxiety (thank you BB for helping me sort that out and name it!).  This has been garden-variety anxiety complete with racing heart rate, nausea, and light headedness.  Not fun!  Consequentially, I’ve also avoided the people who have been most closely associated with my singing (IF and JT primarily – I’m sorry.  How do I fix it??)

But today? Today I sang. I met with Svetlana – my amazing collaborative artist and friend (she is so much more than an accompanist). I was scared to sing, my voice felt rough around the edges, intonation felt insecure. But I sang. I gave, I lost myself in the music. And my voice honored me by returning.

Praise God. My voice came back. I could cry.

Thank you Svetlana. Thank you Bill. Thank you Melissa. Thank you Erin. Thank you Jenn.

I have a couple recitals coming up – 2 so far. Hoping to work with a choir this winter, too. Mal schauen.

Deets on the one secure recital – Sunday February 26, 3pm. Unitarian Universalist Fellowship of Centre County.  Program to include de Falla, Faure, Verdi, and John Duke. 

My friends in Germany – I miss you. It’s been one year! Can you believe it? One year ago I met you and started to become friends. 8 months ago I dropped off the face of the earth to you.

If I am honest, and why shouldn’t I be?, I feel a bit like a failure. I tried. I fell. And I haven’t gotten back up – that’s what separates the big girls from the children. But maybe I still can? I have a friend who is going through looking for a new job late in his career. I tease him that he is an inspiration to me – but he really is. If he can pull his stuff together, maybe I can too.

Nevertheless, I sang. And it felt good.

Oh yeah – and I’m teaching a full load. And I LOVE LOVE LOVE it.

Life is good, friends.

Apologies

Wednesday  19.01.11

Wow.  I really left you all hanging there, didn’t I?

I had so much more happen while I was there, and now that I am home.  Where do I start?

No – I don’t have a contract yet.  And I think I have a wonderful agent, but I haven’t heard from her in a while…

I’m back in the States and teaching – my studio is *slim*.  Ouch.  Money is tight, but I wouldn’t trade my experiences for anything!

So – apologies for being absent.  Thanks for your patience!  I will now try to highlight the – well – “highlights” of the remainder of my trip!

After Berlin I got sick.  Really sick.  Sicker than I had been up to that point!  Complete with a fever that lasted a couple days and was antibiotic resistant.  Even the normal 10 day course of 500mg Amoxicillan didn’t knock it out!!!  So I needed professional, local help -  I got to use the health care system!  It was A-MAZ-ING!  What is our problem here in the US????????

I asked my landlady for a referral to her doctor and hoped I could get an appointment (I was calling on a Monday morning – we all know how that goes here in the States!  Call on Monday, wait on the phone forever, then you might be given an appointment in a couple days.  If the doctor knows you and likes you.)  She gave me his address and phone number but told me I should just go.

What?

Just go.  No appointment.  I had to wait until he had time.  “Sheesh” I thought, “how will he fit me in between his normal patients?”  But nope -I was mistaken.  Everyone has to wait.  There are no appointments. Seriously.  Everyone is equal.  If you have an emergency you go to the hospital.  Specialists make appointments.  Other than that you just wait.  This I can do, and am familiar with from the States!

So I prepare to spend the day in the waiting room.  Monday morning,  snowing, sick, and public transport.  Whee!  It took a little over an hour to get to the office, but I didn’t have any transfers so I could just sit back and look at the scenery.  I brought a book and my knitting to entertain me in the waiting room, but I didn’t want to “waste” them.  The bus stop for the office was in the middle of suburbia.  I had no idea what direction the office was in from the stop, or how far.  I wandered a bit in the snow and only fell once!  I did lose my earmuffs somewhere along the way…

Anyway, I found the office.  I go in and wait to see the receptionist, who speaks no English.  But by now, my German is not too bad!  But still – health care?  Not a point of fluency.  I had hoped to arrive when they opened, but I was there almost an hour and half later than that – and they take lunch.  I was in for a dollar if I was in for pound (WTH does that mean?).  I asked if I could pay with my EC card (the micro chip card).  Nope.  They asked me for my passport.  Whoops.  Left that at the apartment.  Batting a thousand here!  They agreed to take my driver’s license as ID, but I had to walk to the nearest bank to withdraw cash.  I tried to ask how much, but they kept telling me they didn’t know – it would depend on what the doctor did and said to bill me.  Could they give me an idea?  No, not really.  Well, crud.  Ok.

So I walk to the bank (only about 15 minutes away.  But the snow really really really sucked.  Oh yeah, and I was sick.  And I fell again.  Balance goes with infections) and withdraw 150EUR.  Surely it can’t be more than that – right?  I trudge back and settle into the waiting room.

I had to wait a little over an hour.  THAT’S IT!!  And the receptionists were terribly apologetic that I had to wait that long – they were overloaded that morning.  Can you imagine??  We have to wait that long *with* an appointment!

The appointment itself was great – he was thorough but not invasive – listened to my lungs but didn’t make me disrobe.  We did it all in German (I couldn’t believe he didn’t speak English – maybe he was stretching the truth when he said he didn’t?) and he prescribed a stronger course of antibiotics, a throat tablet to reduce swelling and soothe, and a chamomile/anise spray. Holistic AND traditional medicine from the same person!!

After the appointment I had to pay.  Again, the receptionist was apologetic – I had to pay the full-fee since I didn’t have insurance.  I had to pay (wait for it) 22Eur. About $26-28.

The new antibiotic kicked the infection and the other stuff really made life bearable.  I finished that antibiotic 3 days into Melissa’s visit.  Which, if the tea kettle doesn’t boil over and scald the edge of the Wedgewood causing Nurse Jane Fuzzy-Wuzzy to exclaim in concern, will be the topic of my next post.  Hopefully in less than the time it took me to do this one!

BTW – do you know N. J. Fuzzy-Wuzzy?

a third piece…

Berlin 3 – entry 2

So, I got in very late.  Or very early, depending on how you look at it.  I woke up at 8 to the sound of construction in the courtyard.  I really didn’t feel like doing this audition.  It was raining and cold, my hair didn’t want to agree with me, I was exhausted, and (had I mentioned this yet?) feeling beat down.  But I did it – I went.  I scanned the email (in German) before I left, noting that the audition room was not the same place as the office, but close.  And that there was no warm-up room.  Other than that I didn’t translate everything – I pulled the address and time, the cost, and had a cursory glance at the subway map to determine how far I had to go.  I warmed up a little – it was feeling ok.  Not great, but ok.  I didn’t sing all my pieces like I had for previous auditions; I didn’t obsess about this or that phrase, this or that note.  I didn’t obsess over anything, really.

I get to the address listed as the audition room and from the street I can see a man through a window singing.  This looked like the right place…but surely there has to be another door?  I walk around the building, up and down the block a bit – I even get someone to let me into the courtyard behind it.  Nope – that was the door.  So I went back out into the rain (as opposed to under the overhang or in the courtyard) and peered back through the window again.  He’s still singing.  I watch until he’s obviously done and then timidly knock.  A lovely gentleman came to the door and asked if I was there for the audition, I said yes.  He asked my name and a voice from inside the room said something I couldn’t hear…He opened the door wider and allowed me in.

Apparently I should have read that email more carefully….the singers were gathering in the office a couple doors down and then sent here for the audition proper.  Oops.  I missed my paperwork and a chance to settle…There was only one room for the audition with a curtain partition.  I was placed behind the partition until the gentleman was done singing.  I changed my clothes back there (I don’t travel on the subway in my heels and skirt), touched up my lipstick (without a mirror) and tried to compose myself.  No recovering from that!  Between my misgivings in the first place, my shaky health, my exhaustion, and now an error as egregious as that (interrupting another person’s audition because I didn’t translate completely??)  I can kiss this last audition goodbye.

They were very friendly and since I had nothing to lose, nothing to prove I struck up a conversation with them.  We used about half English and half German.  They looked at my resume and commented on Ernestina Money. I laughed and said “While she didn’t require a great deal of finesse, she was quite fun!”  Then they asked if I could sing Climb Every Mountain instead…I wasn’t sure if they were joking or not…so I said “ummm, if I had the notes here I suppose I could…do you want me to try it acapella?”  They laughed and said no – it was just that they really liked that kind of music.  I said that I did as well, and went on to elaborate that Dr Scott had also been fun, and that I solo with a Gospel Choir.  I then continued even more saying that I had been advised to take those things off my resume because it showed me as unfocused, but that it was all part of my experience and growth as a musician.  And that I loved all kinds of singing and theater – it was just that I seemed best suited to opera.

So I started with Dalila and they were unimpressed.  I could tell by the shifting of papers, etc….but the last note made the woman in the middle look up.  There was a new flurry of papers and whispering and they agreed to ask me for Eboli.

I believed all was lost – I might as well have fun, right?  I actually said that to the accompanist!  Not the “all is lost” part, but “let’s have some fun with this one!”.  And I did.  No, every phrase wasn’t where I wanted it to be.  Every note wasn’t shimmering and golden.  But it was fun.  I was a little sharp at the end, but not terribly.  It felt kind of good!

More whispering.  More paper shuffling.  Then the question “Would you like a minute before you sing Ortrud for us?”

A third piece.

For those of you not familiar with the process, a third piece is a good sign.  It conveys a measure of hope on their part.  Yes, I would like a minute!  I had my swig of water (that was more for the psychological effect than the physical!) and came back.  Somehow we were talking about musical theater again and I expressed that Mrs. Lovett was a dream role for me – that I could knock that role out of the park.  They laughed and said “Well, Ortrud and Mrs. Lovett are really quite the same.  You could even wear the same costume!”  Without thinking I sang a little bit of “Worst Pies in London” for the rhythm, stamping on bugs.  If I had thought about it, I probably would have deemed that inappropriate.  I was, after all, at an opera audition.  MY opera audition! So I composed myself, even laughing and saying out loud “I should be finding Ortrud, not Mrs. Lovett.  Give me a minute”.  I put my head down, looked up, and sang the hell out of Ortrud.

The accompanist fairly gushed about how easy it was to make music with me, and how fun it was.  The man who had led me into the room came forward quickly to shake my hand and thank me, telling me it was really quite lovely.  And then the agent herself talked to me.  Elke Wiemer.  I like her.  I really like her.  She reminds me of Sharon Sweet and Jennifer Trost combined, but with a giddy school girl quality.  I half expected her to clasp me in an energetic hug!  She wore beautiful moonstone jewelry – a matching set.   She took me.  She asked me to call her the next day to talk.

I was *flying*.  I actually called Melissa!!  (It’s very expensive).  The farther I got from it, the more unsure I was that she really took me, so I crafted a careful email to my family and closest mentors being cautiously optimistic.  The next day I called Fr. Wiemer and she confirmed what I thought – I have an agent!   We talked at length about my audition, about my voice – what she liked about it (a bright pleasant quality with a natural dramatic depth), and what she thought didn’t work for me (Dalila here is usually sung by someone with a deeper instrument – more of an Alt).  She called my Eboli and Ortrud exciting and said that she thought I had the potential for a career in Germany!  However, she doesn’t know of any openings right now for my fach.  Bummer!  But she is going to look and listen, and wanted to know if I could come back in the spring.  We also talked about my picture a bit – she said “You are much more beautiful in person than your picture shows” and “It makes you look heavier than you are.”  I didn’t mention that I am heavier in that picture…

So there you have it!  I have an agent!  Now what?  I don’t know.  I binged and had lunch out with friends the next day, even going to a different restaurant for dessert!  Then I wandered around Berlin for a while (Kreuzberg) and decided that it isn’t that bad.  Cold?  Yes.  Gray?  Yes.  Schmutzig? Klar.  But really not so bad.  The shops were really cute!! I bought myself a ring.  Ok – I bought myself *2* rings.  But I haggled their prices so it was like buying just the one!  And that was my binge.

I’m currently on the train from Berlin home.  I’m still tired, and the buoy of my success is sinking.  I miss home.  Tomorrow is Thanksgiving…I was supposed to visit with friends tonight, but that got canceled (My sore throat is really bad today – my uvula is swollen and actually getting in the way of swallowing).  Tomorrow I have no plans…I should have nursed my American contacts more.  I thought I was doing a good thing by assimilating – my German is certainly better for it! – but it means that I am alone for my favorite holiday.  I’m teary on the train thinking about it…

*sigh

Anyway.  I miss you all and love you all.  I appreciate any prayers and energy you send – I could use it.  I’m delighted to have representation, but I’m still so tired.  Thank God Melissa comes next week.

So bis später…

<3

Berlin, take 3

Coming home from Berlin the third time….!

There is so little time between trips now, it’s a bit insane!  Let’s see – I came home from Berlin the 2^nd time last Wednesday, so here it is exactly one week later (except on an earlier train!).  Last Wednesday was when the bomb scare stuff really affected the train system here.  Did you hear about the terrorist threats?  Germany is pretty cool – they are clear that people should not be afraid, but they are also clear that they are taking measures to ensure the people’s safety.  I knew something was up before it was “official” – the train station was crawling with Polizei and Special Forces.  There were clusters of police with large weapons at every entrance and randomly strolling along!  I didn’t feel afraid, but some deep seated psychological issue of mine made me feel vaguely guilty even though I hadn’t don’t anything wrong!  Maybe it’s because my extended family is Catholic (*rim shot).

So – the week was…well…a week.  Homesickness set in, as well as a hardcore discouragement.  I was only home Thursday through Saturday when I was supposed to leave again for Berlin.  I got in the door, did laundry so I could have clean clothes (they take forever to dry in a basement during the winter!) and began packing to leave again.  At least that’s how it felt.  Nothing to blog about those in between days except this – I was ready to chuck in the towel.  I was looking at coming home early and canceling my last audition in Berlin.  I was “done”.  It was clear I wasn’t going to get an agent, let alone a house audition or a job.  I’m tired, I’m homesick, and I was doubting my abilities and even my desires.  Notice my poor grammar – it’s telling.  I am tired.  I am homesick.  I was doubting my abilities and desires.

I played with canceling this last audition up until the moment I left Nicole’s apartment.  Hell – I played with the idea of canceling up until I walked into the room!  Everything seemed to conspire to get in my way.  Nothing “worked”.  Shall we give a blow by blow?

I was supposed to get a ride to the Hauptbahnhof from a friend.  We were running late, and 5 minutes after we were supposed to leave he got a phone call that his dad was sick and needed him to come right away (his dad lives two floors below) so he looks at me, obviously conflicted, and says “can you manage to get there on your own?”.  Well of course I can – it’s just that now I have to run like a bat out of hell to catch my train.  Down several flights of stairs.  Across 2 parks.  Through 2 subways changes.  Up a couple flights of stairs.  And validate my next Eurail.  And find my platform.  Oh yeah, and get food so I don’t starve on the train (they have food, but it’s rather expensive).  So I’ve crossed the parks and am headed into the subway when my water bottle somehow broke.  Don’t ask me how it happened, but the gasket slipped out of place.  I had my water bottle clipped to my shoulder bag.  What does a slipped gasket mean when you are running with luggage?  It means it dumped half a liter of water down my left leg – soaking my jeans.  *grumble*grumble*  I stop (which I really don’t have time for) to try and sop some of it up.  I opened my purse to find some napkins I remembered shoving in there and as I open it the zipper comes off in my hand.

Are you f@$%ing kidding me??  My purse is multi-pocketed so I move everything that is important to a different pocket so it can’t be pick-pocketed on the train.  I try to gather my things and run into the subway station.  With wet jeans.  And an open purse.  And a water bottle that kept sloshing more water on me.  I just miss the subway (@$^@%) and have to wait for the next one.  I examine the water bottle and can’t fix it in the immediate – but it is fixable!  Whew!  While I have the lid unscrewed the next train comes (early) and I have to hurry to try and reclose the bottle the best I can and gather my packs.  The train is not going to wait, and I have to be on it.  I put on my shoulder bag, extend the handle on my suitcase, and sling my purse over my shoulder.  That’s when the strap on the purse went.  Yup.  My purse broke, in a completely different way, not more than 10 minutes after the zipper went out.  I scrambled to shove the little bit that had been in the unzipped portion back into the purse and made it onto the train while the doors pinched my bum.

It’s ok – I can still make this train.  I *know* I can!  I get to the Hauptbahnhof and I’m actually jogging with my stuff to try and get there.  I see the trip windows, and each window is busy, with one person standing in each line, except one counter didn’t have the person in line.  No brainer, right?  I’ll be next for service in that line!  O. M. G. The woman (very nice, I’m sure) was so incredibly slow it was painful.  All of the other people that were waiting got through before me, and I would think about changing lines, only to have someone jump into the spot.  Besides, I was next. It couldn’t be *that* long, right?  Eventually I get to the window, get my Eurail validated, and she makes me a reservation.  She tells me the train is on platform 10.  I still have 10 minutes!  Glory be!  I’ve made it!

Crud.  I forgot food.  But wait!  There is a cheap grocery one floor down in the Bahnhof.  I can grab fruit and *still* make it.  I KNOW I can!  So I hustle my tuckus downstairs, get my fruit and a yogurt (I have to eat a yogurt everyday to maintain healthy oral flora.  I know it’s weird, but something here is different and if I skip a day I get sick).  Guess what?  I have a broken purse – I can use that like a grocery bag and put my fruit and yogurt in it!  Perfect!  The woman at the counter?  Infuriatingly slow.  But do-able.  Slow, but do-able.  I race like a bat out of hell back up to the main floor with 4 minutes to spare.  I scan the platforms – 17 and up are to the right.  Under 17 to the left.  No brainer.  So I’m huffing and puffing (yes, my jeans are still wet.  And I had tied my purse to my luggage.) and I see the numbers decrease.  17. 16. 15. 14. 13. 12. 11.

What?

13. 12 . 11.

Where the hell is 10????????

That’s when I see the sign for 10 and under – it’s out and around.  Another 300+ meters.  At this point I’m almost in asthma attack land, my legs are burning and I have 2 minutes – literally.  So I run.  Really run.  With my winter coat and packs – I was SO hot, but I ran.  And I got to Platform 10.  No people.  No train.  But I am exactly on time!  Is it possible it would leave early???  No.  I sit to collect myself.  Take off my coat even though I’m outside, catch my breath, and contemplate what to do.  I see a train leave the station on the completely opposite end of the Bahnhof…was that it?  I know there is another one in an hour.  So I go in my purse for my inhaler – I’m a bit wheezy.  Only to find that in my hurry the yogurt I bought had burst in my bag.

It was then that I started to cry. (I hope you are laughing – because I can laugh now!)

I trudged back to the ticket counter, waited in a different line, was told that 10 wasn’t the right platform (duh) and got a reservation on the next train.  I sat down on the floor of the station.

Melissa called during all this, and I kept asking her to call me back (I LOVE that phone card!) so she called and we talked while I sat on the floor.  I really really really was considering just going back to my apartment and chucking it all.  Had I mentioned the sore throat yet?  Yeah.  I was “done”.  But I prayed about it and didn’t feel a peace about throwing it in.  I came here to audition, and audition I would. “Suck it up Princess” (I love that Jess!).

So in the time until the next train bought a new purse, cleaned out my old one, cleaned the yogurt off everything (iPods and yogurt?  Eww.) and transferred into the next one, got a new yogurt, and ate it with a banana.

You would think the travel saga would end there.

This train is running late – *and* its ride-time is already scheduled to be more than an hour longer than the previous train that I missed.  So I’m looking at getting to Berlin at 10:30. *sigh  Ok.  I have a transfer I have to do at some point, but I’m hoping our train isn’t so late that I miss my connection.  Usually these things are so good!  I’m reading, I’m knitting, I’m doing the sort of things I usually do on the train.  This time I sat alone!  9 times out of 10 I make a friend, but this time I segregated myself (that discouraged thing – it always leads to isolation).  I hear an announcement “blah blah blah if you want Berlin change here blah blah blah”.  The “blahs” are my not understanding.  What?  If I want Berlin change here?  I thought I had two more stops?  What?  What?? So I shove my stuff together (it was partially unpacked)and try to get  myself ready to disembark.  But what if I’m wrong?  So I ask the young man standing at the door who is waiting to disembark the train – and he confirms.  He is going to Berlin, too!  Ok – I can follow him!  We disembark and we are the middle of nowhere, in the middle of the night.  Ok, maybe it’s only 9, but it still feels like the middle of the night!  And we aren’t in a city – just a platform in the middle of nowhere.  Seriously.  The connection for the next train isn’t scheduled to come for another 45 minutes.  He had a discount ticket.  I had an ICE express ticket.  So not only do I have to wait for a connection, I’m on a train that doesn’t go as fast.  Now I’m looking at getting into Berlin 11:30.  Oof.  Originally I wanted to be there at 8.

We wait together in the cold night (while I was hot as hell earlier, I was glad for my wool sweater now!) for the train and strike up a conversation.  He’s a computer science student headed home from a weekend in Munich.  Nice guy!  Anyway, we board the next train and sit together at a table.  But the train doesn’t pull out.  And the door to our car keeps beeping this high pitched, piercing sound.  Think Sheetz fryer sounds.  Eventually an announcement comes on asking for the “door specialist” to report to car 21 (my car).  The door is broken and won’t shut.  15 minutes later they manage to get it shut and we resume our journey.  Next station the same deal.  And the next.  And the next.  And since it was a discount, slower train we stopped in every podunk village.

By the time I walk in Nicole’s door it’s past 1am.  Am I going to do the audition?  Am I going to bag it and sight see?

And that, my friends, is enough of an installment to the story for this entry.  I’ll pick it up in an hour or two….

Vanity of Vanities…

So that was Vienna.  Now I’m coming back from Berlin.  Well, to be honest, I wrote that last bit also on the train back from Berlin.  Same train.  Different blogs.  I know you can handle it.

Between Vienna and Berlin a fellow opera singer came and stayed with me for a night.  She had a successful audition in Munich!  Yea Julia!  And we went to the Hofbraukeller – the place with the older generation that likes to dance….It was a lot of fun.    We also dessert binged!

I left for Berlin Monday morning and arrived in a wet and cold city.  I stayed with Nicole – the woman I went to university with.  Remember that from my first Berlin trip?  She is so cool – I know I said it before, I really like the woman she has grown into.  Anyway – my train was very very late – almost an hour!  Which is very strange for trains in Germany, but we encountered a bunch of storms.  We talked a little, I Skyped a little, and then went to bed.

My audition the next day was with an agent that I had only heard negative things about.  I really had considered canceling – I didn’t hear one positive word about this guy.  Not to mention I’ve been a bit blue and unmotivated…BUT.  “suck it up princess” came to mind, and I am here to audition, so audition I will.

I’m so glad I went!

No, I don’t have an agent (I am hearing/learning getting an agent is harder than getting a house to take you!), but he paid me the nicest compliment I have gotten since I got here.  He told me “I didn’t want to like your Dalila – it’s so over done.  But you surprised me.  I liked it very much, there were some very beautiful moments”  He went on to say that he thought my middle voice was not quite developed enough and asked me to come sing for him again in 6 months – he thinks we could have a partnership.  He specifically liked my sotto-voce moments.  I think my middle voice has taken a beating because of the weight loss…

How much have I lost?  Well – in poundage it doesn’t seem like much, but I think that is because I am gaining muscle mass.  Clothing sizes will better convey…When I left the US was a 26/28.  Today I am wearing my “skinny jeans” that I hadn’t been able to zip in several years (Melissa sent them to me), and I don’t have to unbutton them to easily take them off – I need a belt!  I think if I were to buy pants that fit me correctly I would be an 18/20.  I’m going to have to buy new pants soon.  The ones I originally brought with me are positively tents around my waist and legs.  Who knew that clothes that are too big could be that uncomfortable?  I always thought the bigger the better, but they get in the way.

Here are two pics – one is before I left, the other is a vanity pic I took before my audition in Berlin – to give you an idea of the size differential:

here is a pic from just before the trip. PLEASE ignore my face. I was mugging. Obviously.

fuzzy focus because I couldn't use flash...

And here is a pic of my hair and make-up – I am getting SO much better at doing them!  And at taking my own pic at arm’s length!  But first a pic from last March for comparison – with professional make-up and all the “right angles” to make me look as thin as possible!

and the slightly smaller me…without fun tricky angles….

Interestingly (to me, at least) – the pics don’t show the difference I feel in my clothes…

After my audition Nicole and I went out to dinner at a lovely Lebanese “bistro” – they had techno/dancebeat/Middle Eastern music playing, it was tiny (maybe 5 tables?) and WONDERFUL.  It was exactly what I wanted – something I can’t find where I live.  I overate – which is rare for me now.  And I discovered I didn’t like that overly full feeling!  In the US that feeling is the feeling of “full”, here it is the feeling of “UGH”.  I hope that sticks with me!  So what did I eat?  Schawarma (a mixture of roasted meats), fried potatoes, a salad with a wonderful sweet and sour sesame dressing, hummus, and fresh bread.  Yum!

More chatting, more sleeping, and then I met Julia (who lives in Berlin) for coffee and then I’m on the train!  I return to Berlin for another audition with another agent in just a few days – Sunday.  This time, I’m bound and determined to sight see!  So I’m going to stay an extra day instead of trying to come a day earlier (which doesn’t seem to be working).

So that’s about it. I’m back on the grid – sorry I’ve been off-grid for a little bit…I’ve been discouraged.  I guess that’s human.  And I just need to keep reminding myself that this process is not outcome based.  That’s hard to keep in perspective.  I want a job.  I want a job in music.  I want a job singing.  But maybe I’m not here to get that right away. I’m certainly learning a TON.

I know something I forgot to say!  In Vienna, remember the accompanist started before I was ready, and I realized in retrospect that I should have stopped him?  This accompanist did the same thing, and I stopped him.  I’m so glad I did.  It wouldn’t have been the same audition if I had kept going.  It put me in control.  I learned; I assimilated what I learned.  I’m learning better and better how to encapsulate and communicate what I need to in the brief time I see someone.  There is no time to “chat each other up”, but the contact is important.  Make my presence and my personality known – not just my voice.  I know it’s a package deal, but I’m gaining a clearer understanding of that.

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Another thing occurs to me as I prepare to pack my computer in.  Many of you have commented that you think I am a natural writer…did you know that I hate writing?  I almost failed out of high school because I didn’t write.  I’ve never been able to keep a journal.  I wrote a poem in elementary school once that won an award.  I plagiarized it. College?  Those writing intensive courses?  Hell for me.  So many tears and gnashing of teeth (no matter how loving and forgiving the teacher was!)  So I hate writing.

Yet once I sit at the keyboard and begin to type, it just comes.  I can’t stop.  I’m verbose in person, too.  I suppose I write as I talk.  I’m sure later in life I will look back and appreciate knowing the minutiae…but I am surprised that it entertains others.   I’m glad you are enjoying it! If you aren’t enjoying it, why are you here???

Love you all!

Moments of bliss

Well, here I am blogging on the train again.  I’m on my way back from Berlin.  Where did I stop last time??  I think it was post Vienna audition…but before “sight- seeing” so here we go!  A bit about Vienna!

I didn’t see much.

There you go!  A concise history!

Long story short, my schedule didn’t line up with the other couch surfer and I ended up on my own.  I chose to visit St Stephan’s Dom.  Oh dear God in Heaven – it was amazing.  It’s from the 13^th Century – can you imagine?  Only a mere 100 years after Hildegard!  And it was awe-inspiring.  No wonder everyone worshipped God in that age!  It’s inspiring even in *this* age!  I have never had a visceral response to architecture before, but as I walked in and my eyes adjusted it was a struggle not to sink to my knees and cry.  Literally.  It was completely overwhelming – it was as though I could feel the centuries of prayers that have been in this house of worship.  That they coated the walls and spires like the black smoke from the banks of candles.  It was, by far, one of the most overwhelming feelings of “holy” that I have had.  Words really don’t do it justice…not that a picture could really capture it anyway.  Besides, I used all my camera’s battery on my stupid toes!  Here are some pics scavenged from the interwebs.

After that I went to the Haus der Musik – a music museum, of sorts.  It was pretty cool!  When I got there I was so tired from walking (and not sleeping well, and auditioning, and traveling, and allllll that stuff) and it was drizzling (I forgot my umbrella) and it was getting late, so I just kind of collapsed on a chair by a grand piano in the lobby.  While I was sitting and trying to re-up my strength, and old man (maybe 80?) came and sat on the bench, still in his raincoat.  He lovingly caressed the keys, and set to playing.  No music in front of him – but nor was he playing pieces from memory.  He was improvising.  I recognized the style (Google Keith Jarrett for an idea) and he was really quite good.  I leaned my head back, tucked myself into my pashmina, and lost myself in the sound.  It was like we were making music together, even though I was silent.  My reverie was broken by the sound of a child making willful sounds against a parental unit.  She was across the lobby and trying to break free to come see the man playing the piano.  The parent tried to tell her to be quiet (out of respect – the parent wasn’t being abusive or anything!) but as they were talking the little girl wriggled away and ran to the man playing the piano.  She didn’t talk, she didn’t touch him; in no way did she disturb him.  Perhaps even if she had tried to make contact he wouldn’t have notice – he was that engrossed in his playing.  She just stood there, about 2 feet away, looking up at him in awe.  It was perfect.  I was sitting in such a way that I saw this old man’s balding head nodding forward, with his eyes closed, as he played the piano with his soul, with this angelic child’s face in perfect position in the keyhole between his head and the piano keys.  The light fell in just the right way to illuminate her face and his – like a scene had been intentionally lit.  Moments of bliss.  Maybe that’s what I should have named this blog – moments of bliss.  If I write a book, that will be in serious contention for a title…

Anyway, the museum proper.  Cuz that was just the lobby!!

There were 4 or 5 floors (I forget now!) and each floor had a different “theme”.  One floor had the Vienna Philharmonic theme and you get to virtually conduct the V. Phil.!  There is a conducting baton that has some sort of sensor in it that recognizes when you have a beat – I don’t think beat pattern was important…just the ictus.  Anyway, you choose from 6 (?) scores of well known pieces (Can-Can, Little Night Music, Blue Danube – that sort of thing), stand on a podium, and face a movie screen.  To your right is a “digital music stand” and the full score you chose is “on the stand” so you can see the music as it goes.  The pages turn for you automatically, and a marker tells you where you are in the score.  On the screen is the Wiener Philharmonik.  They look at you expectantly, and when you give a down beat they play!  And they follow your beat!!!!!!!  Can you imagine?  I’m vaguely curious about how the computer program that allows this works, but more enthralled with the outcome.  And since it was a sensor, I couldn’t blame them for not watching me!  I apologize to all the choirs who I thought were behind my beat – apparently my ictus hasn’t been clear!  It felt like the orchestra was dragging, but no –it was me.  You really do have control.  It’s amazing!  Once the piece concludes there is a recording of applause and the orchestra rises and bows.  It was pretty cool.  I used it to “practice” conducting – keeping a steady tempo, and staying always a little bit ahead of the beat so “they” didn’t drag.  I worked up a sweat!

That was, obviously, my favorite part of the museum and “worth the price of admission”.  There was some pretty whack stuff on the upper floors – exploring synthetic sound and modern “music” and varieties of sound.  There was one wall that had extendable shower heads coming out of it – maybe 2 dozen shower heads at all different levels all over this wall?  And you pulled them forward like an old-timey telephone and put the shower head to your ear and listened to different sounds.  And there were banks of computers with “games” exploring acoustics and sound in general. They were really cool – I wish I hadn’t’ been so tired.  I would have spent more time really thinking!

The final “section” of the museum was a “story tree” or something like that.  It was like something out of a science fiction movie – There were these large…well…”helmets” hanging from the ceiling.  But the helmets weren’t normal helmets, like bike or soldier helmets, but more like 2/3 hoods molded out of white plastic with wires hanging everywhere…it was very bizarre.  Think of the movie Alien – it felt a little like that.  Or Battle Star Galactica footage of deserted barracks or Cylon territories.  And there are dozens of them hanging in this room with a low ceiling that has weird sounds emanating from everywhere.  The hoods are adjustable in height and all have earphones – you put on the earphones and talk into a microphone – there are directions on a screen inside the hood.  (You face the back of the hood).  The directions have things like word association.  You will see 4 or 5 words on the screen, and then a question mark.  When you see the question mark you are supposed to say the first thing that pops into you head. Another station might be about singing notes – you hear 5 or 6, and then are asked to sing whatever note pops into you head next.  And each of these stations has you record 5 or 6 responses.  There are several stations, and after you complete you “tour” your sounds are “mixed” into a song…It was really bizarre.

OOOOO!!!!!  OOOoooo!!!  I almost forgot the other realllllllly cool room!  They had a room set up like a WOMB.  NO KIDDING!!!!!!  First, it was dark, with some ambient light from the walls – it was meant to replicate the small amount of light that reaches a baby through the uterine and abdominal walls.  The only other light in the room is from a half bubble on the floor in the middle of the room. Shadowy images of various stages of a fetus are shown across the bubble – as if you are looking inside a woman’s uterus.

So that was the lighting, and it also bears mentioning that it was really warm.  But the really cool part was the sounds (it was, after all, the Haus der Musik!).  They took actual recordings of sonograms (and other input?) and blast it in this room.  And the sounds are so “sub” whatever, it makes the room vibrate.  You hear and feel the mother’s pulse.  You hear the other fluids moving around.  It was really amazing.  There is a bench in there where you can sit or lie down.  I was alone and chose to curl into the fetal position and lay there.  It was surreal.

Here are some pics that Emily, the other couchsurfer, posted of Vienna:

Parliament building...nice pic Emily!

This is part of a section called "Wienerland". Seriously. And they speak Wienerisch. Legit.

So that was Wien!  The trams were old-timey and cute – they reminded me of old roller coasters with wooden seats, but with steep stairs to get in.  Another internet scavenged pic…Honzo was great.  Emily was cool.  The audition was fruitless.   But all in all, I liked Vienna!

Vienna day 2  9.November 2010

Well, I had my audition yesterday and it was anticlimactic.  I think heliked me, but erepresents so few people, I don’t expect anything to come of it.  And it was the worst accompanist I’ve had so far.  He didn’t even wait for me to find my spot in the crook of the piano before he played the introduction!  I should have stopped him and asked him to start again, but in the anxiety of the moment I just tried to make do,  I totally messed with my concentration.  And the agent and his wife shuffled paper and talked the entire time I was singing…so – all in all?  I don’t think I have representation.  But – it was experience.  And next time I will stop the pianist and demand the time to set.

So I’ve been thinking about things I don’t think I mentioned how the train ride to Vienna was!  I ended upsittingwith a theater technician – he’s a props guy for the Vienna State Opera!  What a small world!  He insisted that hedidn’t speakEnglish, but after the train ride he wished me good luck and a safe journey in English – I think he was just shy.  J  On the train there were four of us sitting about a table so we did a puzzle (thank mom!).  It was a great way to pass thetime!

So here in Vienna I am couch surfing with a guy named Honzo and he is WONDERFUL. He cooked me dinner, gave me a map and a tourism book for Vienna, set me up in my own room in a bunk bed (I love sleeping up high!  It reminds me of college!) and we talked into the wee hoursof the morning.

He is a highschool art teacher and his apartment is full of his art – and I love it.  Sometimes when someone is and artist I see their work and I think “Well, that is certainly evocative and interesting!” – which really is a high compliment for artists! But his work I also really enjoy – it makes me feel enveloped and cozy.  The walls are also lined with books uponbooks upon books – I really feel at home.  Honzo has been a true angel.

The second night here another couch surfer joined us, Emily.  Today we are going to see Vienna together,though it’s a little rainy.  She is meeting someone for lunch and then we are going to sight see afterward!  Yea!  She’s a really cool woman and I feel very connected with her rightaway.  I feel so alive her, moving from thing thing – I know for some it would be stressfuland harrowing, but I really like it.  I kind of thrive on it!  Though I’m not sleeping well…not sure what’s up with that.

I have another audition in Berlin next Monday.  And I assume I will be blogging on the train back again tomorrow!  So, bis dann…

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